Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
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Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.