Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
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Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]