no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
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Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
How is it still this week?
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.