My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
You Might Also Like
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
My therapist after every session
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
It was worth a shot 😂
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Passwords are more important than ever.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.