I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
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I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Why is this me 😫
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
How I like cutting carbs
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?