What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
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when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
boat question
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff