Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
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Hey Fugeddaboutit
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit