Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
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new shirt idea
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Before & after 😅
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”