Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
You Might Also Like
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
I don’t know what to do
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Husband of the year 😂
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Pikachu found the lost joint
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there