A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
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I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…