[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
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I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils