Never go to sleep after making me angry
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I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO