me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
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My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
This makes total sense…
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose