If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
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if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other