I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
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I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.