The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
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I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
A Match(.com), but for socks.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.