Finally, an explanation.
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Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..