SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
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If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather