Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
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*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”