JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
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I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Has science gone too far?
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician