Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
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just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
awkward
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”