I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
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Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season