Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
You Might Also Like
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now