[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
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Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.