My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
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Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.