My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
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[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Very problematic
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks