People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
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I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die