That’s no pocket rocket.
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I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?