Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
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[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
I can fix him.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.