The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
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On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?