I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
You Might Also Like
My what?
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave