Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
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Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Mmmm canned fish.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.