*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
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Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over