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Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
back to work
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab