I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
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“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.