A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
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They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Previously On Persistence 😎
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.