i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
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Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
There is no “we” in pizza
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Me trying to reach for my goals
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.