“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
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my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
is this how new cars are made??
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Fixed this for Shakespeare
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.