Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
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My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.