Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
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[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
😂😂😂😂😂😂
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
new record!
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops