“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
You Might Also Like
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
bro what is going on at twitter
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.