Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
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If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I know
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese