A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
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I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.