When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
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Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”