Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
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Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey