I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
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Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Cinematography is my passion
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
“You drive, I’m tired.”
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what