I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
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Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end