*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
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Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.