My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
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Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
somebody come look at this
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her