Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
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Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
the greatest twitter interaction
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.